When Two Become One... Building a Marriage That Can Weather Life

Chapter 6

 Love or Escape: The Quiet Motive Beneath the Choice

There is a question that sits beneath many relationships, though it is rarely asked with honesty: Am I choosing this person, or am I trying to escape something within myself? 

It is a question that requires more than surface reflection, because most people enter relationships convinced they are pursuing love. Yet even the language we use—chasing love—reveals something deeper.

Love, in its truest sense, is not something that needs to be chased. It is something that develops, grows, and reveals itself over time. When there is a sense of pursuit, of urgency, it is worth examining what might be driving that motion.

Often, what is behind that movement is not love at all, but discomfort. It may be the quiet pressure of time, the awareness of aging, the fear of being alone, or the weight of unresolved personal circumstances. It may be financial stress, emotional emptiness, or simply the unease of sitting with oneself without distraction. These are deeply human experiences, and in that sense, they are not unusual. Most people, at some point, seek relief from them. The danger lies not in the discomfort itself, but in how we attempt to resolve it.

The Illusion of Rescue

When a person enters a relationship as a means of escape, the other individual is often unconsciously assigned a role they were never meant to fulfill. They become, in effect, a solution—a way out of loneliness, a distraction from unresolved issues, or a source of validation. The relationship begins not with a genuine focus on the other person, but with a desire to change one’s own internal state.

This creates a subtle but significant imbalance. What appears to be affection may actually be dependence. What feels like connection may be rooted in relief. And while the relationship may provide temporary satisfaction, it is built on a fragile foundation. No individual can consistently carry the weight of another person’s unresolved reality.

Over time, this dynamic begins to show itself. When the relationship no longer provides the same level of escape—when life’s pressures return, or when the other person fails to meet an unspoken expectation—frustration emerges. The same individual who once seemed to offer relief may now appear inadequate. Appreciation becomes conditional, based on how well they are able to soothe what was never theirs to carry.

The Center of Self vs. The Offering of Self

Many relationships struggle not because of a lack of compatibility, but because of a shared orientation toward self. Each person enters with expectations—needs to be met, voids to be filled, discomforts to be alleviated. While this is rarely expressed directly, it shapes the entire interaction.

When both individuals are primarily concerned with what they are receiving, the relationship becomes transactional. Each moment is measured against personal satisfaction.

This approach is often justified by the belief that one should have their needs met in a relationship. While there is truth in that, the problem arises when the relationship is built on that expectation from the beginning.

If the initial motivation is rooted in escape, then the relationship becomes an extension of that motivation. It is no longer about building something with another person; it is about sustaining one’s own sense of comfort.

A different orientation is required for a relationship to endure. It begins with a shift in perspective—from What can this person do for me? to What can I offer this person? This is not about self-neglect or imbalance. It is about entering the relationship with a posture of contribution rather than consumption.

When two individuals approach each other with this mindset, something more stable begins to form. Needs are met not through demand, but through mutual consideration.

The Reality That Remains

Even in the healthiest relationships, life remains imperfect. There will always be aspects of reality that are unresolved, unpredictable, or uncomfortable. No relationship can eliminate these conditions. When a person enters a relationship believing that it will correct what is not quite right in their life, they are setting themselves up for disappointment.

This disappointment does not arrive all at once. It reveals itself gradually, in moments when expectations are not met, when the other person cannot provide the desired relief, or when external challenges persist despite the presence of the relationship. In these moments, the underlying motivation becomes clear. If the relationship was built as an escape, it will eventually be experienced as insufficient.

This is where resentment often begins. Appreciation becomes conditional—present when the relationship soothes, absent when it does not. The other person is no longer seen as an individual, but as a means to an end. And when that end is not consistently achieved, the connection begins to erode.

Choosing With Clarity

To choose a relationship with clarity is to first be willing to face one’s own reality without avoidance. It is to acknowledge the areas of discomfort, the unresolved issues, and the natural challenges of life without immediately seeking to escape them. This does not mean that relationships cannot bring comfort or support. They can, and they often do. But that comfort is a byproduct of connection, not its purpose.

When a person enters a relationship from a place of stability—when they are not attempting to flee from themselves or their circumstances—they are able to see the other person more clearly. They are able to engage without distortion, without assigning roles, and without expecting resolution for issues that belong elsewhere.

In this space, love is no longer confused with relief. It is not something that replaces reality, but something that exists alongside it. It is expressed not through urgency, but through consistency. It is sustained not by what is received, but by what is given and shared.

Ultimately, the question remains simple, though its implications are profound: Are you choosing this person, or are you choosing what you believe they will take away from you? The answer to that question shapes everything that follows.

Take a Moment With This

• Reflect on your past or current relationships and consider what initially drew you in. Was it the person themselves, or the way they made you feel in relation to something you were experiencing?

• Think about areas of discomfort or unresolved issues in your life. Have any of your relationship choices been influenced by a desire to avoid those realities?

• Consider the difference between seeking support and seeking escape. How have those two motivations shown up differently in your experiences?

• Reflect on what it would look like to enter a relationship from a place of wholeness rather than need.

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Guided Exercise

Take a few quiet minutes and write down what, if anything, you may be trying to escape in your life right now—whether it is loneliness, uncertainty, pressure, or something else. Then, write a second list of ways you can begin to face or address those realities on your own. This exercise is not about isolation, but about clarity—so that any relationship you enter is a choice made from strength, not from avoidance.

*How do I express how important this book is to folks who are daily inundated with "products?" I'll simply be sharing each chapter as a blog on this website, and I'll post them to Facebook.

I really, really believe this is so important to folks in marriages, contemplating marriage, dating, contemplating dating, or simply thinking about getting back into the game.

The book itself is on Amazon (  https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0H1WQYTDJ  ) but I'll be presenting (in order ) each of the 50 chapters here daily .